Tarot Card Reading

I know that this topic can be pretty controversial at the best of times. Especially in matters of faith. My faith lies in God, but I also believe in the spiritual connection that people have to each other. I also think that some people are definitely more in tune with this spiritual connection, between here and the after life. I believe in spirits and feelings transcending the great beyond.

I had been contemplating this for a while and was actually going to get a tarot card reading done in person if the opportunity presented itself to me. The opportunity did come around, but not for an in person tarot reading, but one done over the internet. Now I at first went into with no high expectations because I couldn’t see this person, nor could they see me. Then the further I went on that line of thinking, the more I thought, well she doesn’t know anything about me, she doesn’t know me as a person, she doesn’t know my story, and she asked very little personal information before providing me with my 3 card reading.

I don’t know her, I have never spoken with her. She might know me from my shop around etsy but that would be the only interaction and she would have.

The information she asked of me was my first name, my zodiac sign, the town I live in, and a question (if desired). I provided all the information and my question which was “is my sister resting in peace?” A little while later she sent me back a picture of the 3 cards that she had drawn for me, the standard meanings and how she interpreted it to my question.

I know when you are grieving its easy to grasp at these things, to believe what you want to believe. To pull meaning out of things that might not have any meaning at all. The cards that came up with the standard meanings, the order they came up in and the connection she put together with my question gave me goosebumps though. I believe in what came out of this reading. It made me smile.

A sisters love is an eternal bond. I feel guilty every day because I think she died mad at me. This made me believe that she isn’t mad, she misses us as much as we miss her, that I will see her again, and that all that is in her heart is love.

I feel peace and understanding. For the first time I dreamt about her last night, she was smiling and she was laughing. I think the whole time she has been resting in peace, but for me to remove the cloudiness of what my vision was I had to see it from someone else’s perspective. I needed someone who doesn’t know me, didn’t know my sister, and didn’t know the circumstances to tell me, it really is ok.

Whether the tarot card reading holds any truth to it or not, it gave me the freedom to let my mind go to a place where my sister is peaceful. Where she feels nothing but love. It allowed me to find peace in my heart from the guilt I suffer for pushing so hard on her. In a way it has set me free from harsh feelings and let me go beyond to something that just feels plain better. So real or not, I would have paid a million dollars to come to this peace of mind.

The sun shining on my face, the whisper of the wind, and true healing have begun!

Live, Love, Laugh

Grief: Year 2

The months since I have reached a certain age (over 21) have flown by. After the birth of my daughter it seems they started moving at lightening speed. Since my sister passed away everything just kind of blurs together. Major Holidays (like Easter) sneak up on me even though I try to start preparing months ahead of time. My birthday this year, came and went. The whole week leading up to it was a nightmare, I don’t know if anyone else who has lost a sibling goes through this, but I am sure its the same for a lot of people. I don’t understand why I get to be another year older and Tiffanie doesn’t. Why I get to enjoy cake and presents, and why I don’t get to hear her voice on the other end of the phone singing to me. I know there is a reason, I just struggle with not being able to know that reason.

My wish as I blew out the birthday candles always used to be the same, that I would open my front door and find someone from my extended family on the other side. The wish has changed though, now its always, just one more moment with Tiffanie, just a smile, just a laugh, just a second to squeeze her and tell her how much I love her. I know wishing for something you will never get is silly. It doesn’t make me stop wishing for it though.

Sometimes I feel like the world has forgotten her, moved on and closed up the gap where she used to be. For my family and I, I know thats not the case. There is this huge hole where her personality used to take up space, where her spunk, sparkle and shine used to be. I don’t want to forget her, I don’t want the world to forget her.

Being here so far away from the family that knew her and loved her like I did, has been extremely difficult for me. Being away from my sister Kassie and brother Jeramie tears at my heart every single day. With my anxiety and depression, I constantly worry that something is going to happen, sometimes so much so that I just can’t think about anything else. Its like dangling on the edge of a cliff holding on for dear life to reality, knowing that Tiffanie was sick with something no one knew she had. Knowing that Kassie and Jeramie are not sick, and are both quite healthy and happy. Suffering with the illness’ I suffer with mentally doesn’t allow me to make that connection sometime. Sometimes all I can think is “I am never going to see them again”.

I had hoped that I would be able to go with my daughter to California this July to help ease some of that worry in my heart. It doesn’t look like that is in the cards for us finically right now. Which is reality, they live far away, getting to them is not easy. Have you ever just needed something so bad though? Needed to just hold onto some dream or hope so bad, so that you wouldn’t be swallowed by the blackness? I am missing my nieces life, and for some reason that makes me feel as though I am not being true to my sister. I feel I have an obligation to be there, to see her grow and to love her with all my might.

My whole adult life has been this way though, its a trade off. I got to marry my best friend and the love of my life. I had to give up big family holidays and being able to see my family whenever I wanted though. I know it kind of sucks to think about things like that, in that way. I wouldn’t trade my marriage or my daughter for anything. It just sucks that I can’t have it all. I suppose everyone struggles with those types of feelings though. I hate to think of myself as a selfish person, where I need everything to be perfect in my life or I am not happy. I don’t think thats the case, I just think my world crashed to the ground when my sister passed away, and since then I feel like I am standing in the center of a crowded room spinning around.

I am blessed more so then a lot of people ever dream of being blessed. I have love from every corner, and people far and wide that root for me on a daily basis. I still struggle though, with wanting more, with wishing that Nova Scotia was right next to California. Needing my family (even though I know they are just fine without me) and being stuck in this depression that won’t let me out of its clutches.

If I opened my door tomorrow and one of my family members stood on the other side, I wouldn’t ask for anything else for a very long while.

Grief doesn’t get easier, it just hides and attacks when you least expect it.

Live, Love, Laugh

Beauty and the Beast

Most people would agree that in life there is a light and dark side to most things. Grief is no exception to that rule. Now everyone stares quizzically at their computer screen trying to figure out what the light side of grief could possibly be. Bare with me while I explain…

The light for me is going through the worst possible thing I could have ever imagined in my life, standing on the other side of it, mostly in tact and gaining strength from the grief.  If you lose a loved one that is so near and dear to your heart, there is no way you can come out the other side not feeling stronger. It forces you to face things inside yourself, to face demons, to face your own mortality and to feel that huge hole in your life where that person used to be. It takes a long time, well it did for me anyway, to feel like you were actually strong. I don’t think I was ever the strongest person to go through this, my mom has me beat by 10 fold, but I feel a sense of gratitude to my sister for showing me that when you hit bottom, you don’t have to stay there. That is the beauty or the light.

The dark side is obvious for many reasons. The dark side is the black hole that tries to swallow you. The one that doesn’t want you to go on living because you don’t know how to do it without your loved one. I didn’t know how to live without my sister. I have lived far away from her for years, but I didn’t know how to live in a world that she wasn’t a part of anymore. In those early weeks and months, thinking of her was like a punch to the gut, a lump would well up in my throat and the light at the end of the tunnel was snuffed out. The beast was taking over my thoughts and forcing me into this corner. Being in the dark side of grief, can and will swallow you if you let it.

I never really knew how much pain my heart could stand with me still being able to live. Minus the depression and anxiety of course. I can’t say that I ever truly wanted to learn the weight I could bear on my heart. Now that I have, I realize that grief is something like a relationship you have to work at. You have to talk about it (everyone knows I am great at talking) and you can’t pretend it didn’t happen. It is kind of awkward for people on the other end I would imagine. “How many siblings do you have?” “I am the oldest of 4″ “what are their ages?” “my sister Tiffanie passed away in 2010 at the age of 27, my sister Kassie is now 27 and my brother Jeramie is 20.” People get so apologetic and weird when I say it like that. It’s almost like society wants to force me to omit Tiffanie was one of my siblings simply because she passed away. Well that’s not going to happen. I am sorry if it makes people feel uncomfortable to know that I had a sister that passed away, but she is and will continue to be a part of who I am.

There are 2 types of response to mentioning I have a sister that passed away at a young age. “I am so sorry for your loss” they drop their head and you know they are done with the conversation and they want to flee like a bird migrating. Then there are the people that I like, “Oh I am sorry to hear that, what happened?” These are the people I get to tell about my sister, I get to share her life with them, and for one brief moment I get to be proud and puff out my chest. I know its hard to be that second person, because we have been so conditioned by society and main stream media that feelings and sadness are the plague. When I talk about my sister there might be tears that spring to my eyes, because she was awesome, and now I get the very great honor of carrying on telling her story. I don’t want to make others feel awkward, just simply to let them know that I don’t mind if you see me cry. I don’t mind the hugs or the kind words. I don’t mind talking about my sister, and I don’t mind you wanting to know more about her.

I am still on the journey of grief. I learn new things everyday. Learning about the beauty of grief is a fairly recent discovery for example. I don’t plan to stop talking, to stop reaching out, to teach the world its ok to be sad. Sadness leads to being humble and more self secure.

If you are out there right now and you need to talk, I will listen. If you are missing someone and you feel no one understands or wants to hear it, I will listen. If you think your life can’t go on without your loved one, I will show you how it can. Don’t suffer alone, in the corner trying to fight the beast alone. Let me help you find the beauty.

Live, Love, Laugh

Stages of Grief

Psychology has always been fascinating to me, and from a young age I always wanted to be a child psychologist. I thought creating sound minded kids would translate into sound minded adults. Seems a simple theory I know, but it is logical. A lot of life circumstances have been put between me and that dream. Now I don’t pretend to know what is going to happen in the future, at this juncture in my life my goals are mostly short term to work into longer term goals. Going to college is definitely on that list!

Saying all that, knowing I am no professional and have no basis but my own experience, and my observed experience of others, the five stages of grief is a bunch of bunk. No offence to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross intended of course, but I just don’t see how grief can be simplified and put on a scale of straight forward emotions. I like to read so I have been doing some studying in my free time of grief and therapy related to certain levels of grief (I know I know, I am a party animal!), The Kubler-Ross model that is so often used even today in therapy was brought about in 1969. To say that a lot in the world has changed since then would be a huge understatement. A lot of the theory and research was done based on people that were dying from a terminal illness and not on people that had actually lost someone to death. That in itself tells me that having an umbrella of just 5 stages is far to few. The theory does state it is not a linear experience and not all people will experience things in order, or can come back to things they had previously already gone through. Which is true. It is more like a roller coaster (which I think I have discussed previously.)

So laying out the 5 stages of grief: 

Denial- I believe I still somewhat bounce back to this one far more often then people in my family would. It’s easier to be in denial when you live 3000 miles away from someone that passes away. I saw her once every 2 years for the last 8 years of my life. We did talk a lot on the phone, and through e mail. Denial is like the warm blanket of grief though, when you are just so weary and can’t fight it anymore. You climb into the clutches of denial for a little bit to rest your weary heart before diving right back into it.

Anger- I had a short stint of anger. I think it maybe lasted a few days. I never came back to it in my cycle as of yet. Anger never was one of my go to emotions even being an emotional person all my life. When anger started becoming a present mindset is actually when I knew I was getting depressed and sought help (this was before my sister passed away, but will show why I don’t spend much time in this stage). 

Bargaining- I don’t really even think I hit this one. Mine was more of if you are going to take her, please take me too so I don’t have to live without her. I have a good happy life, one that without the depression and anxiety I enjoy immensely and feel I have worked hard to deserve (that sounds selfish but keep up with me here.) That is not to say if someone was standing in front of me and Tiffanie with a gun, I would run. I wouldn’t. I’d take the bullet for her, for kassie, for jeramie, for my nieces, nephew, maddie, trev,my parents and grandparents. I don’t think I went through bargaining because I wouldn’t want Tiffanie to come back to the current life she was living when she passed away. She was in pain, she was running in so many different directions, she was sick in and out of the hospital a lot. Bargaining for her to be in that life and me to be taken from the one I have, seems just cruel. 

Depression- Ok so obviously, if you know me or read any part of this blog. You know that my brain lives in Depression mode (well not everyday, I am working on that). This by far is the longest stage of grief that I am experiencing. It is the bottom of the funnel. Denial and Acceptance swirl around and sometimes I find myself flat back in Depression again. I am truly so sad sometimes thinking about my sister that it consumes all of my thoughts awake and asleep. I dream of her, I tear up and sob over missing her. My heart physically aches and I get an actual lump in my throat. I miss her every single day. 

Acceptance- This one was the hardest to get to. I thought for many months I was getting close could see it on the horizon and like a bungey chord depression snapped me back. I have reached some level of acceptance, but still saying my sister died out loud sounds like another person is saying it. This is where I want to climb into the warm blanket of denial and just stay there. Some days I look in the mirror and say “your sister died”. It is always like a smack in the face, but its the reality. Its the finality of it. I know she is gone from this earth, I know I will see her again, and I know she is watching over us every day. Acceptance comes a lot from having a strong faith. From my perspective anyway.

 

I feel like there should be so many more stages in this outline though. Depression should be broken into sub categories itself. Guilt should definitely be a stage. I spent a lot of time in Guilt and still today spend a lot of time in that part of grief. Longing should be a stage. There are so many things that can be added to the journey of grief, the emotions you feel. I think even in cases Happiness is a part of Grief. Am I happy that my sister passed away? of course not! If I had the choice it wouldn’t have happened. Am I happy that she doesn’t have to live a life of pain and agony? absolutely. To think of her whole, happy, pain free is like a blessing for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t want her back because I do (hello denial is that you knocking?) but reality always brings me back. Realization could be another step of grief as well. It is just such a personal journey, no two people will walk the same path or go through the same stages. 

 

I found a passage that just spoke to me today above all others. It is an excerpt from two books,  “Understanding Sibling Loss”, CIGNA; Sibling Grief, P. Gill White, Ph.D.; and Surviving the Death of a Sibling, T.J. Wray.

“The loss of a sibling is a devastating life event. Despite this, sibling grief is often the most disenfranchised or overlooked of the four main forms of grief, especially with regard to adult siblings. However, the sibling relationship tends to be the longest significant relationship of the lifespan and siblings who have been part of each other’s lives since birth, such as twins, help form and sustain each other’s identities; with the death of one sibling comes the loss of that part of the survivor’s identity.

The sibling relationship is a unique one, as they share a special bond and a common history from birth, have a certain role and place in the family, often complement each other, and share genetic traits. Siblings who enjoy a close relationship participate in each other’s daily lives and special events, confide in each other, share joys, spend leisure time together (whether they are children or adults), and have a relationship that not only exists in the present but often looks toward a future together (even into retirement).

Siblings who play a major part in each other’s lives are essential to each other. Adult siblings eventually expect the loss of aging parents, the only other people who have been an integral part of their lives since birth, but they do not expect to lose their siblings early; as a result, when a sibling dies, the surviving sibling may experience a longer period of shock and disbelief.

Overall, with the loss of a sibling, a substantial part of the surviving sibling’s past, present, and future is also lost. If siblings were not on good terms or close with each other, then intense feelings of guilt may ensue on the part of the surviving sibling (guilt may also ensue for having survived, not being able to prevent the death, having argued with their sibling, etc.)”

When I can’t articulate and put into words what losing my sister has meant to me, this is what I would refer to. This is everything I would want people to know and understand about my grieving process. It is going to be different then that of my parents, my grandparents, my aunts, uncles and cousins. It is going to mean different things to me (not making it more important) just different. 

Just like with most things in life you can’t put a big net over grief and capture everything that it encompasses because its different for every single person. 

Maybe someday I will write a book on Grief and call it “No Rules and No Stages”. 

 

Live, Love, Laugh

 

 

Happy New Year!

2011 is packing its bags and saying goodbye. 2012 is checking its luggage to make sure it packed enough underwear for the year-long journey. I am, defurring my couch. I really do love our 2 dogs, but this task is never-ending. You get one end of the couch hair free start on the other end, and turn around to a hair filled couch again. The thoughts of shaving both dogs has come to mind, but we live in Nova Scotia, and that would just be animal cruelty! After all I don’t shave my legs all winter so I can have a nice warm winter coat…hahaha just kidding! Overall I am feeling pretty positive about grabbing hold of my life in 2012 and making it what I want it to be. The shear fact that I am gaining some of my sense of humor back is very comforting to me.

My mom said after talking to me on Christmas it was so nice to hear me laugh. It is nice to laugh! It is nice to know that I am making my family smile when I know they need it most.

I have been getting into a bad habit as of late, letting everyone make the decisions for my care and which path they want to lead me down to recover from this depression and anxiety. Taking a back seat in my own care and just following blindly. I have never been that type of person, it doesn’t make sense to just follow something blindly when it involves your own life. In the end no one is going to know me as well as I know myself. 2011 feels like I was lost in a haze of constantly changing medication and not being able to see my therapist as often as I should have been able to. The fact of the matter is, the medication is not going to make me better. It is going to bring me to even keel, so that I can focus and work on the issues that are holding me back. It is not the be all, end all. I was hanging my hat on the thought that every new medication was going to bring me back to happiness. That is not true, that is not ever going to be true.

I am not cured, but I will get back to you all at the end of 2012 to let you know the progress I have made in the year. I think I need a bracelet that says WWTD, “what would Tiff do?” My sister was no quitter, and met each challenge head on, even the ones that scared her to no end. I am going to take her strength and run towards the goal line. I dove right into the grief and made my way to the other side (as much as you can) and now I am going to do the same with this anxiety. I control my life, I control the things that hold me back. I am not going to be held back by this. I am going to fight back and not just lay down and take it.

I am not going to say that 2011 was the worst year I have ever had. I learned a lot about myself, and about the people in my life. It was another chapter in my life, it has brought me to the point I am now, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for another year, another year to spend with my family and friends. Those family and friends that have held me up and sometimes pushed me forward. They deserve recognition of the hard work they have put into my recovery as well.

My husband Trev has been my rock. I can’t even describe how truly wonderful this man is. He is the best person I have ever known. His strength and his courage. His holding onto me and telling me he wasn’t giving up on me even if I gave up on myself. His refusal to let me fall or to beat myself up daily has been the best blessing. The amount of dishes, laundry, and cleaning he has done this year would astound most everyone. He works, he takes care of Maddie, and takes care of me. What is even more astounding is that he never complains about it, and does it willingly with a smile on his face. At the end of day when he is clearly tired and worn out, he will sit and rub MY back. He is the greatest support a person could ever ask for, and I am beyond lucky to call him my husband. In our relationship we have overcome so many things, and instead of pushing us apart, it pushed us closer together. He is my best friend, the love of my life, the best father and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone (yeah not even Robert Pattinson!). He made a homemade humus for tonight’s game night which I am anxious to try. I can’t wait to kiss my honey as the clock strikes midnight.

Cherise is my very best friend, and like I told Trev my other soul mate. She is like the other half of me. She is so understanding and so generous with her time and herself. She has cried with me, laughed with me, and understood when the anxiety was taking over my life. She sits in the middle of the movie theatre so I can make a quick exit if I need to, when we couldn’t go see the second showing of Twilight because I was freaking out, she understood. Being around her just makes me feel better, because I don’t have to explain to her what is going on, she already knows. I think we help each other overcome the depression and move towards the future. Of course this last year she took on more than her share, and you can’t really ever thank someone enough for being this rock when they themselves don’t feel 100%. When Trev and I didn’t have plans for Christmas dinner, her family invited us to their house. I do consider them family because they are always looking out for us. It is nice to have that love and support.

Troy and Lenore are wonderful friends of ours. They have a daughter Arianna that is the same age as our Maddie. They are best friends. Troy and Lenore have stepped up and helped us out so much this year. I can’t even begin to thank them for their generosity of spirit and time. When I can’t get in the car to drive, they take Maddie to Girl Guides every Wednesday. They brought me dinner on American Thanksgiving when I was missing my family so much. They share smiles and laughs with me on a regular basis. Being around them is good therapy for me. They give so much of themselves to others, and I swear Lenore never stops going (and she is a teacher!) We are so very lucky to have them in our lives and to call them friends.

Of course there are many more supportive people in my life. I am very blessed to have some of the best friends ever in the world, and family to help me even though they are far away.

So as I say goodbye to 2011, it’s a fond farewell even though the year was filled with a lot of personal bumps, it was also filled with some of the most wonderful memories, laughter, love and generosity. I put it under my belt and vow that in 2012, I will grow stronger so that I can pay it forward to those in need.

I don’t usually make resolutions because I believe that everyday you should work to be the best person you can be. That is still my goal for this year, to be the best me, to fight the good fight, and to remember how truly blessed I am even when the sadness tries to swallow me  up.

Here comes 2012….ready or not….Make it your year!

Live, Love, Laugh

Merry Christmas

This time of year always finds my heart so conflicted. Between the longing for my childhood Christmas and the pushing myself to be in the moment with my daughter as she experiences the spirit of the holidays, its a push and pull routine that finds me conflicted most of the month of December.

My sister Tiffanie, who would have turned 29 on December 17th if she was still here with us on earth, this was always her favorite time of year. Tiff was a rough and tumble kind of person, with a don’t mess with me kind of attitude. At Christmas though, she softened into this contagious Christmas spirit that was awesome. Even as we grew to teenagers and into early adulthood, she would wake us up at 5 am to open Christmas presents. Sometimes she wouldn’t even let us go to sleep she would just keep us up until it was 3 or 4 am then we could open our Christmas presents. As children, she was always the one that would run down the hallway yelling “Santa was here!!!” I think if she was here in Nova Scotia she would be over the moon with the snow, throwing herself in it to make snow angels. Thinking about it kind of makes me want to throw on my jacket and mittens to run out and play in it. She was a big kid with so much spirit in her, she brought something to the holiday, even the ones we spent thousands of miles apart, that I can’t replace. In reality I don’t want to replace that because those memories of her fill my heart with this Christmas spirit that I want to pass on to everyone I meet. She isn’t here to do it, but I am, and I can do it. I can spread enough cheer, laughter, love, and Christmas spirit for the both of us.

Tiff, Dad and I. I believe this was the Christmas of 1998.

My brother Jeramie and I, Christmas of 2000 or 2001.

Sometimes I have to drag my inner child kicking and screaming into the present though. Forcing myself to put away those feelings of hurt and sometimes even anger that my Christmas’ now are different then the joyful time I remember when I was younger is hard. My Christmas’ now are just as wonderful and joyful but in a different way that at first was very hard for me to get used to. Missing being near my mom, dad, sisters, brother, and grandparents for the holidays is just not an emotion I can get to go away.

This year I am hopeful though. I didn’t start crying as the calendar turned over to December 1st. I felt engaged and helping with the Christmas tree. Getting gifts for everyone was a lot of fun for me (even if I did a majority of my shopping online due to anxiety issues). I looked forward to the family traditions that Trev and I have started with Maddie. We went to the Christmas Parade together, we put the tree up together, we went to Maddie’s Christmas concert. Tonight on Christmas Eve we will go get hot chocolate and drive around looking at Christmas lights. When we get home Maddie will be able to open one gift and it will be her Christmas jammies, with a little extra surprise thrown in of course We will watch a Christmas movie together (Trev’s favorite is Home Alone), tuck Maddie into bed with wishes, hopes and dreams of the magical kind. Trev and I will spend the time putting together her Santa loot, laughing and enjoying the spirit of the holidays in our own home. I won’t be pretending that I am happy, because I truly will be.

My Christmas’ now are no less jolly and filled with the true spirit of Christmas then the ones of my childhood. They are just different. My daughter Maddie takes after her Aunt Tiffy in a lot of ways. She just makes me believe in the spirit and miracle of the Christmas season.

I would like to tell everyone that the longing for my child hood Christmas’ will become just a fleeting thought in the years to come, but I don’t think it will. I don’t think I long to be back in that time in my life, I think I just long to be present in those memories for longer. To lose myself in them for a bit because thats the only place my sister is alive now. Trying to focus on being a mentally healthier and stable person, means realizing those things. I won’t ever stop wanting to spend Christmas with my whole family all together, but I can wrap that thought up in a nice box with a glittery ribbon on top and store it in the place in my heart it belongs. I won’t let the longing take over my life or my Christmas spirit.

Today (Christmas Eve) my husband is working and my daughter is spending time with my in laws. So I am giving myself permission to walk down memory lane, listening to Christmas songs, remembering what it was like to be at Grandma’s house on Christmas Eve, remembering what it was like for Tiff, Kass and I to get new bikes on Christmas, or Tiff, Kass and I having to pretend we still believed in Santa because Jer was so young still. I will shed my tears because I miss them all so much. Then I will pull myself together, put on my goofy winter hat and get ready to go see some Christmas lights.

I just might plop myself in the snow to make a snow angel for my angel in heaven.

Merry Christmas to all of you that might be struggling to find the spirit for any reason this holiday season. I wish you nothing but peace of mind and strength of spirit to get through the holidays and to find your own piece of joy to hold onto.

Live, Love, Laugh

Walk in my shoes for a day

If you have never had depression, anxiety,post traumatic stress disorder,seasonal affective disorder, or any mental illness it is probably a bit cloudy as to what exactly it feels like. I, of course, in no way can convey that to you through words, even though I wish I could. Having a best friend on this journey with me that knows exactly what it is like has been invaluable. She knows when I say “I am having a bad day” what that means. My husband has come to realize as well what that means, and regrettable I think my daughter is learning that too.

I can’t speak for everyone that has depression, anxiety, or any mental illness, but I can let you into my world for a moment. I can give you a true glimpse at what my good days look like now, and my bad days look like. (Now for any family members reading this near or far, I want you to know I am always in good hands!)

I am on my 3rd depressive episode (for anyone that wants to keep score at home: October of 2008, I just started to shut down mentally and emotionally, snapping at my husband and daughter. With the help of Effexor I was able to bounce back from that pretty easily with a little therapy thrown in. July 2010 my sister passed away, straw that broke the camel’s back as they say. February 2011, had a plan for suicide and was admitted to mental ward, this is where the post traumatic stress was diagnosed.) So what all that mumbo jumbo means is that this “episode” will be treated for a minimum of 2 years before I would be considered in remission. Yes they use the word remission just like with cancer patients.

We will do a snap shot of a bad day just so you can tell the differences with the good day are actually good

Wake up at 11 am

Have lunch with Trev (something he usually makes me)

cry and have a panic attack because I feel like I am ruining Trev’s life and Maddie’s life

Take 7 of my 11 pills for the day

lay down in bed, or in my big comfy chair staring outside

Trev makes dinner for me to heat up later for Maddie (he works 3pm-10pm)

Trev brings Maddie home and he leaves for work

Maddie watches tv while I sit in my chair doing more staring

try to keep myself from bursting out into tears every 5 minutes, have to lock myself in the bathroom to have my panic attacks (on a bad day can get up to 14)

Feed Maddie

Shower Maddie

Read Maddie’s homework with her

Lay down in bed with Maddie so she can go to sleep, usually cry when she falls asleep because I feel like I am ruining her and I want to be a happy mom for her

get on the computer to play World of Warcraft with my friends (sometimes don’t last too long, just say I am sick or not feeling well and log off)

trev comes home and we usually watch a tv program together

take remaining 4 pills (2 of which are sleeping pills)

Trev goes to bed (because he gets up and takes Maddie to school), I can’t sleep

watch tv until 4 or 5 am, usually crying and trying not to wake anyone up

Then it starts again

A good day looks like this:

Wake up at 11 am

Take a shower *notice not listed on a bad day*

Take medications, including 2 anxiety pills

Go out of the house with Trev (usually to the Dr, sometimes to walmart or another store)

Go out to lunch with Trev (now doing 2 things in one day is like a super good day)

come home, have to ramp myself down a bit lest I have an anxiety attack

Trev picks Maddie up

Trev goes to work

Maddie and I play Wii Bowling, or Mario Kart Wii

Maddie and I roll around in bed with the puppy and giggle

Maddie and I make dinner together

Maddie and I watch a show together (we like Cake Boss or Extreme Makeover: Home Edition)

Maddie and I do her homework reading

I shower Maddie

We cuddle in bed talking about her day and what she wants for lunch the next day

it’s now that I usually have a panic attack from doing a lot of stuff in one day (yeah it’s not a lot for people without depression I realize this)

I check email, check etsy store, work on my resin jewelry, play WoW, chat with family and friends on facebook

Trev comes home, we watch a show together and chat, cuddling up together on the couch

trev goes to bed, and on a good day I can go with him and fall asleep in about an hour to 2 hours putting bedtime at 1 am to 2 am.

I can have spurts of good days, but sometimes I have a spurt of bad days that feels like it is never going to end. Thats when it starts to get dangerous and I have to reach out for help. The bad days are going to happen, it’s just my hope that with therapy, medication and hard work they will be few and far between someday.

Depression is a nasty enemy, one that doesn’t go away, you just kind of pound it into the ground hoping it doesn’t resurface.

Live, Love, Laugh

Happy Birthday

Today, November 2nd is a very special day in our family. It is the day that 2 of my favourite people of all time were born. 1 of them being my sister Kassie who was born 27 years ago, and the other my niece Nevaeh who was born 5 years ago. My sister Tiffanie is Nevaeh’s mother so this day brings about so many emotions for a lot of my family. I am by no means going to pretend that I won’t spend today shedding a lot of tears, and wishing I could just be there to hug them tightly and love them. Last year on this date I wrote a letter to Nevaeh, I continue to do so in a private journal for her to have someday. Today I wanted to do something different and write an open letter to my sister Kassie. Kassie is a shining super star, she always has been and continues to grow into an amazing woman who I am so proud of.

My Sister,

I want you to know that there isn’t a day I don’t wake up and thank God that he gave me 2 beautiful, bright, funny, intelligent and charming sisters. Even though Tiff isn’t here with us on earth anymore, God gave us enough time to know what type of person she was and continues to be through Nevaeh. I know how much you take care of Nevaeh yourself, and I like to think I know why you do it too. Not only because it’s what we would do for each others as sisters, but also to hold onto just a piece of what is there in her smile and dimples.

When I think back to the hardships you have overcome, the fears you have faced head on and the strength that you possess I am in so much awe of you. My baby sister with the bright blue eyes and the blonde hair, you grew up when I wasn’t looking. You fought for yourself and for everyone else. You fought to keep us all together and you fought to make everyone happy. I remember you couldn’t have been more than 6 or 7 years old when you told Mom you were going to live with her until you were 99. Others looking in might think you meant that you needed her to take care of you until then, but I think quite the opposite. I think you wanted to be there to take care of her. I don’t think in one day you stop and look at yourself in the mirror and say “what do I need today?”.

Even though this road we have traveled has been so long, you keep chugging along. You never give up the fight even when you are down and sick and ready to crash. You just keep going. If I was there I would give you the gift of time. I would wash your dishes, I would look after Dallyn, I would cook for you, I would clean your bathroom, I would let you take a long hot shower and put your feet up and watch whatever you wanted to on TV. I would also hold your hand, and tell you to let go of the strength for just a moment. Let go of the fear that you can’t fall apart because everyone needs you. I would let you crumble like so many have done for me. I am not going to say I know what is like to be you, but I kind of have a little bit of an idea after knowing you for 27 years. For a moment in time its ok to let go and fall apart.

Today I have cried a majority of the day because you turning 27, does something to my heart. It makes me afraid that I am not going to see you again. It makes me afraid that for some reason this year is going to be extra tough on you. It makes me want to speak with you every second of every day to make sure you are ok. Don’t worry I fully understand how ridiculous that sounds.

Above all else I want you to know how much I really truly love you. The memories of us sharing a room for all those years because no one wanted to share with Tiff haha Deciding paint colors for our room, and putting up our winnie the pooh border. Even sharing a room when you were in your late teens and I was in my 20′s was awesome. Remember that huge pile of laundry you used to climb to get into your bed? haha Just like the memories of Tiff help me on a bad day, I want you to know the memories of you help me too. I don’t feel like I said everything I should have said to Tiff, and I want to say everything I should say to you.

You are remarkable, and strong. You are truly my hero. You and Jeramie have been my babies for as long as I can remember, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I miss you every single second of every single day. There isn’t a point where I don’t want to be near you, to laugh with you, to cry with you, to walk down memory lane, and to build new memories that will last us a life time.

I also want to remind you that you promised to live to be 105, so start taking more vitamins!

love,

your big sister

 

Well its obvious that this entry has been sitting in my drafts since November 2nd. I didn’t publish it because at the time I felt it was too depressing and didn’t want to upset my sister on her birthday. I want her to see it though, so today I am publishing it! I love you Kass! 

 

Live, Love, Laugh

The mask that I wear

I don’t know when I started wearing this mask, or even why I did. I always had to be the happy smiling one, I always wanted to make everything ok for everyone. Even with some deep hurt, I covered the pain in layers and layers of white lies. I have felt like a burden on everyone in my life at some point or another. Facing the reality of life since my sister passed away has been one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. I couldn’t make that better for anyone, I couldn’t even make it better for myself. I have been trying to claw my way back to the safety of my masks and feeling like I am not a burden.

I get in my mind that I should be better. This is the deadline, I should have this anxiety and depression under control. I should be able to move on, I shouldn’t cry every day. I should have energy and be able to focus on tasks. I feel like too much time has passed that I have been dependant on too many people for too long. Recently I got to the point that I could get around the hurt and not go straight through it anymore. I was able to find a point that I could lie to people and have them believe me again. I felt triumphant and safe again. If I can keep this pain deep down and hidden, I won’t have to rely on others anymore and I can go back to the me I need to be for others. The only problem with this is, I can’t fake the concentration, the energy, and I am definitely a  lot weaker at holding the mask in place so that people can’t see past it.

I think it’s because all these people in my life know me now. They know what the hurt looks like so I can’t hide it from them. I have been married to my wonderful husband for 7 years now, and we have known each other since we were 13 years old. He knows me, he knows the bad parts, the good parts, he knows the hurt and the pain. He knows every deep dark secret and he has held me as my world fell apart. He has saved me every day. He deserves a break though, a break from the pain and the constant work of trying to keep me from going over the edge. He has been so so great, taking care of our daughter, our home and me. He constantly tells me everyday that he doesn’t mind, that he is ok. I see the tiredness in his eyes though, I see the yawns, and the worry. So I tell him I am alright, and I have to make myself believe it to because he can see right through me. The problem with this charade is that it makes me feel so weak by the end of the day, and so so so tired. I know there are other people who can commiserate with me on this, being someone or something you aren’t is tough work. It is exhausting and sometimes it becomes so overwhelming. I always hope that I will become overwhelmed in the time that I have between my husband going to work and my daughter getting home from school. I have been successful in doing this pattern for a couple of months now.

My second test was to make my Psychiatrist believe it too, so that he would let me go back to work. I am terrified beyond belief about going back to work, it makes me have a panic attack. Right now just typing that I am getting dizzy and my heart is racing. Not working has made it harder on Trev though, our car had to get inspected then before it could pass we had to pay $200 to get the suspension fixed, then our furnace went out and it wasn’t covered under the insurance we pay every month on it and that was $400. I am bringing in an income but it’s not all that I could and should be doing.

I started this entry on October 25th at 2pm. It has been sitting in the drafts of my blog for 16 days now. I was scared to hit publish for the back lash that it would bring or for others to see my weakness. I have realized though that hiding this is not being true to myself or to others that are working so hard to try to help me. So I am publishing it, to show you that even after a year of struggling with depression, anxiety and grief that the road is still an uphill battle for me, and for a lot of others I am sure. Since I wrote this I was truthful and up front with my psychiatrist, therapist and husband. I am now on another medication, he took me off zoloft and put me on celexia. I am still in transition stage right now and it is extremely difficult because its hard on my emotions and head to do this. I am powering through though, and I wouldn’t be able to do it without the help of my awesome husband, daughter, family and friends. I may be struggling with a debilitating disease, but I am truly blessed with so many wonderful people in my life backing me up.

Live, Love, Laugh

Smile

Many months ago I bought a little wooden plaque with the word smile engraved out of it. It is painted a bright sunshiny yellow, and I hung it above the mirror on my dresser. When I sit up on the edge of bed in the morning, it’s the first thing I see. It is simple in its meaning, but it holds a lot of weight. A simple smile can mean the world to someone who is heartbroken, or having a bad day. It means I understand, I know its rough now but it won’t always be rough, it means there is hope and its free. It is not overwhelming nor does it take a lot of effort to share a smile with someone.

In my life some days the smile means different things. I smile when thinking about my sister and the life that she did lead. I remember her smile in my mind just like she was standing right in front of me now. Her nose would wrinkle up and those dimples would light up her face. I think of that face smiling down on me every day, rooting me on. I see her smile in the sun or feel it on the whisper of the crisp autumn breeze.

A smile means simplicity. It reminds me that I can smile no matter how many worries I have in my mind. Just to smile and let go. I have everything I need. I can smile when my bathroom is filled with little toys all over the place, because that means my daughter has been playing pool party in the sink. I can smile when there is little tumble weeds of hair blowing across my living room floor because it means that we have a dog that is apart of our family. I can smile when my kitchen floor is full of glitter because it means that me and my daughter have spent endless hours making sparkly glittery things. I can smile when my laundry isn’t folded because it means I am taking more time for life, and less for things that don’t matter.

I smile because I am thankful for each day God has given me to spend with my daughter, with my husband, watching my niece and nephew grow up, being a big sister, being a daughter, and being a friend. I smile because no matter how many rainy days there are, the sun is going to come out again. I smile because all those big things that you think matter so much, ultimately don’t mean much at all.

Some days it is harder to smile than others, harder to find the silver lining and harder to let go of the worries. As humans we are always a work in progress, growing, learning, loving and losing. The world melts away for a moment when you just smile. The smile of a newborn baby, the smile of a toothless 6-year-old, the smile of a parent watching their child graduate, the smile of a grandparent watching their grandkids play ball, the smile of God showing us the path to eternal happiness. Even in the darkest of days a smile will bring just enough hope to push you forward.

Share the simple sweet gift of a smile with someone today, someone you love, someone who looks like they are having a rough day, someone who doesn’t feel well, someone who has had their heartbroken or just smile for yourself. I dare say even the heaviest of hearts would feel lighter.

Live, Love, Laugh